Better than Carbon Dating - How to figure out what you're watching

Since there are now more than 100 episodes of TBAA, many people have mentioned they are having difficulty figuring out the title of the episode they are currently watching. They say it takes too long to go through all the episode descriptions to locate a single episode.

In order to address this issue, we have had our panel of experts create a system of testing methods to determine approximately what season to look for your episode in. (No, this has nothing to do with all the chemical method documents I have been writing lately, why do you ask?)

Once you've determined what season to look in, it will be fairly easy to go straight to The Touched By an Angel Episode Guide and locate the exact episode you're watching. These exciting new testing methods involve the latest technological advance in television orientation, "Angel-dating." Angel-dating has been determined to be alphabetically superior to Carbon-dating and our market research shows that people in all markets prefer a date with an angel to a date with a carbon by a wide margin.

The testing methods we are setting forth fall into two categories: Angel presence methods and Angel hair methods. Each category of tests has several subtests available within it. Combining several tests to verify the season of each episode is recommended.

Angel presence methods

Angel presence methods are by far the more objective of the two types, as they rely on simply determining presence or absence of individual angels.

Angel of Death Dating

This method shows a great deal of precision for earlier seasons but loses sensitivity in the later ones, except in rare cases (fortunately, the show does *not* lose sensitivity - just ask my kleenex box!)

Procedure: Watch for an angel of death (AOD) in the episode. Determine the AOD's name, if one is present. Note: Monica should not be counted as an AOD, however Andrew should be counted as an AOD whether he is performing that duty or not in the episode.

Interpreting results:

If the episode tests positive for Andrew, then it may be found anywhere from the twelfth episode of season two onwards.

If the episode tests positive for Adam but negative for Andrew, it should be found in season one.

If the episode tests positive for both Adam *and* Andrew, you are watching "My Dinner With Andrew", which is from season four.

If the episode tests positive for Henry, you are watching either "Interview With an Angel" or "The Driver", from the beginning of season two.

If the episode tests negative for any Angel of Death it is most likely from the beginning of second season, although it may be found in first season as well.

Warning: Very minute amounts of Andrew in some episodes may give a false 'season one or two' result.

Guest angel dating:

A positive test for these may be very precise, however negative results will be extremely imprecise.

Procedure: Watch for a guest angel (GA) in the episode. Determine the GA's name, if one is present. Note: Monica, Tess, Andrew, Adam and Henry should not be considered GA's.

Interpreting results:

Locate your GA in the following table and determine the corresponding season(s).

Guest Angel Name Seasons to look in
Raphael 4 or 5
Kathleen* 2 or 3
Sam 2, 3, 4 or 5
Taylor 3 or 4
Phil 3 or 5
Clara 3
Celeste 3
Ruth 3 or 4
Dottie 3
Mrs. Angelil, the Bus Driver 2
Satan* 3, 4 or 5
(Out of Darkness) 2
The Angel of Angels 3
Claire 2
Angel of Music 3
Clipped wings receptionist 3

*(fallen but technically an angel)

Angel hair methods

When all else fails, use an angel's hair to determine the season of your episode.

Colorimetric Monica Hair method:

Procedure: Determine whether the camera filters used seem to have sapped all red highlights out of Monica's hair, or whether the lights used seem to be bringing out a lot of red in it.

Interpreting results: If little red is apparent in Monica's hair, this is most likely season one or two. If a lot of red is apparent in Monica's hair, it is most likely season three. If it seems to have subtler red highlights it is likely season 4 or 5. Mind you, there is a possibility that this has more to do with the color settings on my television than on anything else. I *told* ya these tests were more subjective!

Andrew Hair Length/Style Dating

Since this is by far the most sensitive of the hair dating methods, Andrew's hair gets a table. Procedure: Determine which of the hair lengths and styles indicated below bests describes Andrew's hair. Interpreting results: Locate the season(s) that correspond with Andrew's hair length and style in the table.

Andrew's hair description Seasons to look in
Longish and mostly one length 3
Exremely short 5 (beginning of season)
Longish in back,

layered in front

4
Short, layered in front 2, 5 (later in season)

4, last episode

Coming soon: Glowdating!

(Thanks to Kiwi...)

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